The Pursuit of Loneliness

By no means am I saying I’m great, just in pursuit of that stature. 

One of the things that I have been feeling and thinking about lately is how lonely the journey can be. Things get lonely in a lot of different ways. You miss out on a lot of different things throughout the pursuit. The question is, am I really missing out? To me, it just goes to the idea of delayed gratification. If I really wanted to, I could go out and actually enjoy myself like I’m supposed to in college. Spend some money, do dumb things. It looks like a lot of fun honestly. The way that I’ve been looking at it though is that I could do that now or I could set myself up for an even better future. It’s really a weird and tricky situation that’s tough to find a balance for. On one side of things, I shouldn’t take things so seriously. I should go do things that college kids are supposed to do so I don’t miss out on anything. On another side, maybe I’m just cut from a different cloth. 

Even though I feel like it can get physically lonely, often not seeing so many people and doing things that most people do, there’s also a mental loneliness that comes along with it. Honestly, I get anxiety when it comes to “wasting” time. Things like sitting through traffic and waiting in lines makes me feel really antsy because I always feel like I should be doing something else and that there’s a lot of work to do. I’m working on that. But mentally, it always feels like people don’t quite understand what’s going on in my head or how I think about things. As I’m trying to pursue my greatness, there’s really only a select few that understand it. Other than that, people always question why I’m not around or why I don’t come out like maybe I used to. Over the past couple of years, I feel like I’ve been really selective with what I do and who I spend my time with. I really do believe in the idea that you are the average of the people you associate the most with. It does get lonely though. There are a lot of early mornings and late nights that come with the process. When I’m locked in, it’s hard to get me out of that state of focus. Sometimes, it makes it even seem like I’m mad when I’m working on things that I think are important. I do feel pretty bad sometimes. For example, when I edit photos or videos, I really can’t do it effectively unless i’m in a dark room (lol super weird). Sometimes, people might come into the room and try to talk to me and when I’m done, they’ll ask why I’m in a bad mood. I’m really not, I’m just locked in and it makes me seem like I’m mad for some reason lmao. 

I really do enjoy it and I’m not saying that this “loneliness” is a bad thing. Actually, I’m not even using loneliness in the sense that things are sad because, for the most part, I created this loneliness myself and I recognize that. I spend a lot of time trying to work whatever craft I’m trying to learn and, when I’m not doing that, I spend even more time trying to educate myself. I feel like school takes away from a lot of my real education (another topic for the future if anyone wants to know how I feel on that), so I’m always trying to make up for “lost” time and learn something meaningful. I should be out during my “free time”, but I just feel like I owe it to myself to try to be the best version of myself. Also, I’m not saying I don’t have any type of fun. I just have a different definition of fun than most people I think. To me, trying to build a business is fun. Trying new things, traveling and seeing the unfamiliar, improving the things around me, learning. All of that is fun to me. 

Greatness to me isn’t anything monetary. For me, greatness is being the best possible version of myself and that encapsulates to many different things. Of course, there is the idea of working on a craft and being great at that. There’s also trying to reach a certain level of intelligence. However, having a great relationship with my girlfriend, friends, and family is a huge part of doing something meaningful. I know this entire blog is about loneliness, but like I said, I’m not using it in the true sense of the word. One of my goals is to impact as many people’s lives as possible in a positive way. There’s a lot to my pursuit of greatness that involves people despite the journey being called “lonely.”

The more that I think about it, it’s more about value. I was talking to Devin Williams the other day and he said something that I thought was very important. 

“Imagine you take 20 slices of bread and have half a jar of peanut butter.. Those are gonna be some thin sandwiches instead of having less bread and more filling sandwiches.”

He went on to say,

“Let one thing turn into many things by focusing on that one thing.”

This concept/statement really isn’t for everybody. 

The reason that I think I’m “lonely” is because I’m so focused on the things that I feel matter. Most people don’t understand me when I tell them the things that I do and why I do it. It really is a lonely path most days. Right now, I’m not great. I know that for a fact. I’m just hungry and in pursuit of one day being able to change that statement. 

- Jsquared